


Black and White

by emillywinter



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Declarations Of Love, Hanahaki Disease, Language of Flowers, Love at First Sight, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-10 19:30:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15956000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emillywinter/pseuds/emillywinter
Summary: Izaya and Shizuo both suffer from hanahaki disease. They will never admit that what they feel is anything but hatred, even in the dark hours of a night when no one is around, even to themselves, and not to mention out loud. So, the one will always run while the other will chase. It is easy, even when it is hard, and it is so hard when it should be easy. The world is not black and white even if Izaya and Shizuo are.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Language of flowers can often be understood differently in different situations and by different people. For example, even though the most common meaning of the white rose is innocence, it can also be linked to everlasting love - love stronger than death, an eternal love, undying and all sustaining. Black roses are similar. They can be connected to many things such as death and anarchy. But, in the concept of romance they are also the symbol of euphoric, passionate and unconditional love. 
> 
> Remind you of someone? Now add this to the concept of hanahaki disease and to the two people who say that they hate each other, but still are the most important ones in each other’s life. They are the polar opposites, the cat and the dog, the yin and the yang. They are the black and the white. They are Izaya and Shizuo.

**Prologue**

“Hanahaki disease is the rarest one of all. In order for it to happen there are few conditions that must occur first. You need to be touched by the creature that cannot naturally die and you need to feel an unrequited love for ten years. After that, you start throwing up petals at first. Then, it gets worse, the flowers form and it is harder to cough them up. Depending on the flower you can die from poisoning in the early stages or it can last longer and you will die from the roots, or thorns, of course depending on the flower. Why do you ask, Izaya-kun?” 

Shinra asks the person on the other side of the phone line and he wonders is it intuition or some incredible information network that allows Izaya to know that Shizuo Heiwajima is next to the doctor, silent and unmoving with the blood stained white petals in his hand.

“Well, I think that I have it.” 

The response is immediate and the laugh follows that sentence; and, it is all replied in the matter of seconds leaving Shinra unresponsive with wide eyes. He isn’t sure what to do, and what to say, really. 

What do you say to someone who got the disease that is so rare that is almost fictional? That only happens in extraordinary circumstances; when you love and you are not loved in return? And, even worse, what do you say when that same disease is what makes that person’s arch enemy start throwing up petals; on that same day; on the day that clearly marks ten years from when they first met? 

Two plus two is nothing if not four; and, this plus that equals only one thing. Shinra is not stupid and somewhere deep down he had always known. They fell in love with each other, on the same day, when they first saw each other; and on the same day they both said for the first time that they hated each other. 

So, Shinra does not comment. He asks if Izaya’s petals are black, from the rose with the blood on them. And one “how did you know?” leaves nothing else to be questioned. 

He just takes a breath and answers that Shizuo started to throw up the white ones on that same day. After that, the sound of beeping, related to an ended phone call, is ringing in the doctor’s ears. Shinra doesn’t need to say anything else to Izaya. And, Shizuo simply looks him in the eyes as if he already knows how the story will end. 

Shinra should have known that they are the same even though they are so much different. The one will always run while the other will chase. However, neither will ever admit how they feel. It is easy, even when it is hard, and it is so hard when it should be easy. The world is not black and white even if Izaya and Shizuo are. 

So, he looks at Shizuo and starts to explain. But all he manages to say is “Izaya”, and Shizuo stops him in that rough voice of his, “he doesn’t have anything to do with this”. After that he leaves. Shinra would be delighted about the fact that all of his furniture is intact if not for another fact that makes him swallow hard, feeling of dread thick on his tongue. 

The only way his two friends will survive is if they admit to each other with actual words how they feel. If they were any other two people in the world, everything would be fine, perfect really. But they? They will never admit that what they feel is anything but hatred, even in the dark hours of a night when no one is around, even to themselves, and not to mention out loud. So, he lets them be; at least for tonight because he hears the steps of the woman that cannot naturally die, but who he loves with all his heart. 

**********

Tomorrow morning at Shizuo’s doorsteps is left a box with black petals and a note that says: _“You should be happy, monster; you finally managed both to kill me and to make me go away.”_

When Shizuo calls the number is disconnected; when he visits, the apartment is empty; when he needs him, Izaya is nowhere to be found. But every single morning since that first one, there is a box of black and blood stained petals left like some cursed present that somehow manages to make Shizuo feel both angry and happy; scared and safe, hated and loved, all at a same time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1**

 

The morning Izaya gets the call; the illness has already progressed so he watches the first black rose hitting the whiteness of the snow in a foreign country where it almost always snows. He had run, he had disappeared; but, Izaya wouldn’t be Izaya if he could simply stop. 

An invisible pull is what has always pulled him, tied him to _him_. So, he picks the black rose painted red with his own blood, and painted white with the color of snow; and, he puts it in a box to be delivered just because it feels like he needs to remind the monster that he still exists. He fears that if he wouldn’t do it, the monster would forget who he is. 

He cannot ever let that happen; and, after all, he is coming back today. So, he will get to personally deliver what has clearly become an omen of his death. _They_ have called and if he is late, they will kill what is his. He can’t simply sit and wait. The monster has looked for him, searched and poked until he found a dragon’s nest. So, Izaya needs to go back and stop him before dragons take things into their own hands. So, he stands up from the bench, takes his already packed bag and goes back to Ikebukuro.

*****

It hasn’t crossed his mind that he would be late. He came running as fast as he could. However, Russia is miles away. Even after he runs from the train station and looks everywhere for him with a bag still in one of his hands and the box in the other, he is still too late. Or, perhaps, he is just in time to see, in a slow motion, like from an old black and white movie, how the monster, _his monster_ , looks at him from afar as bullets pierce his chest.

The blood is everywhere. It is so red. It looks as if a painter took a red paint into the brush and splashed the whiteness of Shizuo’s shirt.

Shizuo coughs, and, there is a blood dirty white rose beside him. It is too much blood that has already left his body and the stains on the whiteness of the rose is simply a cherry on the top of the cake. The last thing Shizuo does is smile and looks at the blood, but not his own. He looks at the blood that is buried deep into the color of Izaya’s eyes. 

*****

Izaya has always thought that he will slay monsters. After all, that is what gods do. But in all of his years he had never thought that he will just lose it. The bag falls; and, then the box with black roses follows. He runs as he takes his knife and he can think only one thing. They hurt what was his to hurt, his to hate; what was his to break... _his to love_ ; they hurt his everything. 

So, he runs; and, he stabs; and, he slashes until there is nothing left to stab or to slash. He falls on his knees; his face red with someone else’s blood that he took; and, he is just in time to see the color of his monster’s eyes just one more time. Shizuo closes them and coughs. White rose with blood stains falls near Izaya’s feet as if it was a gift for the lives he took.

Shizuo is dying before his eyes and there is so much blood, so much more blood than it should be. Everything is red and he feels so much regret for leaving Shizuo alone. Now, it is just them in a dark alley with more than dozen Awakusu kai operatives laid down on the concrete floor, dead from Izaya’s knife even if he said that he will never kill his precious humans. But, to him there is no need for remorse. They are simply beasts, dragons that needed to be butchered for taking what was his; even if they did it without knowing it. 

He looks into almost dead eyes and beautiful face that coughs and coughs blood stained roses. Shizuo will suffocate; he will die if Izaya chooses to run now. And, even Izaya had thought that dying was ok if they die together, for each other, he just can’t do it now. So, he smiles and his smile is so broken; and, like a broken glass should, it hurts. His eyes are watering and for the first time in his life he chooses honesty instead being selfish. So, he lets go of his ego. 

He looks at Shizuo’s limp body, almost unmoving, that lies in his arms. He holds it tighter, as tight as he can; and, he cries broken “I love you-s” and “please don’t die-s”. 

Shizuo doesn’t open his eyes; but, the white roses finally stop. Izaya can hear the ambulance coming as he begs all the gods and the other not to leave him. He just wants him alive and existing; all other things be damned. Nothing would ever matter again if Shizuo is not here. And, Izaya doesn’t need to be a god; or Shizuo to be a monster. Izaya doesn’t need to be there, and Shizuo can think about who ever he wants to think. He can forget that Izaya ever existed. Izaya just wants for Shizuo to be here; to be alive. 

*****

Two more months have passed. Shizuo isn’t waking up, but he looks better. Izaya is right next to him. He doesn’t leave his side. There are hundreds of black and bloody roses around Shizuo’s bed. They are neatly packed in vases and baskets. Izaya sits in the chair. He looks too thin, too broken, with dark circles under his eyes. He doesn’t talk if not to refuse to leave and he doesn’t do anything except coughing the roses for the one he loves. He isn’t sorry that he will die. He is happy that Shizuo won’t go with him. 

So, when no one is around, he smiles sadly and takes whatever time he has left to be with the only person he has ever loved, even if it is in complete silence and even if the clock always ticks away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2**

The morning Shizuo wakes up is the morning when he finds a cold hand in his. The sun shines brightly as if to mock the coldness Shizuo feels. There are thousands black roses around him. They look so beautiful; but, everything smells like blood. He looks at the body connected to him by his hand. It looks so thin, so broken and so unmoving. He recognizes it instantly and he tries to call its owner. When he calls Izaya’s name there is no answer. So, he tries again, dread soaking thru his every bone. 

It hurts to keep his eyes open. They are blurry and watering. He feels as if he is underwater and like everything around him is not real. The moment he realizes the fact that Izaya won’t answer him and he will not ever again hear the other’s voice; he rages and he breaks things until he is put down like an animal. When he wakes up, and when sedatives start to leave his body, they try to tell him that Izaya is dead. 

He realized that himself, but he isn’t sure how they expect him to breath in the world where Izaya doesn’t exist. Until the end of the day he is catatonic and he simply looks into one spot on the wall that is almost the same color as Izaya’s eyes. 

Shinra comes to visit. The only thing Shizuo remembers is that he said something about the funeral. The finality of that is what brings him back. He owns Izaya at least that much. He looks collected; and, it is almost as if something inside him finally gave up. That was the moment he decided that he will do everything, even for a tiny bit of chance to see Izaya’s smile again; to see Izaya running, even if it from him; and, that was the moment Shizuo decided that he will kill himself.

It shouldn’t be odd to think that way, and for him it isn’t. After all, he had always followed Izaya everywhere; walked on the same spots Izaya has taken his steps to. The world wouldn’t be right if Izaya wouldn’t run and Shizuo wouldn’t chase.

So, even if everything hurts and even if Shizuo feels so broken inside, he takes one black rose stained with the last part of Izaya he can still touch, and he goes into his empty apartment. He showers, he shaves, and he puts on his best clothes. He wants to see Izaya at least one more time in his life, even if the other’s eyes are closed forever. 

So, he goes to Izaya’s funeral just to witness him lying upon a thousand white roses in a coffin. He thinks it is Shinra’s idea and it hurts so much. He feels like he betrayed Izaya because he didn’t say the words to him. It doesn’t matter one bit that he was in a comma and that he wasn’t able to speak at all. 

So, Shizuo simply looks at Izaya; and, Izaya looks so beautiful, like he is an angel. There isn’t a person in the world who could stop Shizuo when he comes closer to the unmoving body that has always been his life. He whispers “wait for me” to his dead enemy, to the only person he has ever loved. 

Shizuo’s eyes are blurry, but he doesn’t cry. He closes those few last inches and kisses Izaya for the first time. The lips are cold, unmoving and dead and he just repeats once again those words that are the only reason why he still breaths. 

_“Wait for me.”_

*****

He takes Izaya's knife; the first one that spilled his blood. He leaves a note on the table in his kitchen and walks to the bathroom. On the night of Izaya's funeral, he slits his wrists with Izaya’s own knife. 

As he lies in the bathtub he somehow he feels content. After all, there is nothing left for him in this world. In the last moments of his consciousness, he smells the only black rose that he has and it smells like Izaya. Perhaps, it is the smell of his own blood, or Izaya’s that is still painted on almost dead rose; but it makes him swear that he can see red eyes somewhere. He smiles and now he can almost see Izaya as if he is just beyond the bathroom door, waiting for him. 

Shizuo’s last words echo in the empty apartment. There is no one alive to hear them, but he says them anyway. 

_“I am coming, Izaya.”_  


******

Ten years have past since his brother died. He still takes the note everywhere where he goes even if he can repeat its contents in his sleep. It’s short and it makes him break apart. 

There are two young boys running in the park. From the bench he sits in he can see them perfectly. They look nine, ten maybe. One has a blond hair, and the other hair is black. They smile as they chase each other. They laugh and the Sun suddenly feels warmer. The brown eyes of the blond boy are so familiar. The red one’s also. He once knew two boys with the same eyes who chased each other. 

The blond boy stops and buys a single white rose from a gypsy woman that sells them. He turns around and gives it away. The smile he receives shines stronger than a thousand suns. 

So, Kasuka smiles as well. His brother’s last words echo in his head.

_I would give everything that I ever had to see his smile just one more time. I would give every second that I have in this world just to see him run even if it is from me. I would gladly give my life just for a chance to be with him._

_I am not asking for forgiveness, there is nothing that you can forgive me for. I am just chasing after him. That is what I have always done._

_He is my Sun, my water and my air. He is the light that makes me alive. Without him the world is just black and white. Without him the only thing I can do is to die._


End file.
